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Of course when it came time to serve my first course, there were gold shag carpet fibers tossed in with his lettuce. Yes, not only was I a slob, but I was an outdated one who needed to redecorate.
Did you know these work as a vacuum in a pinch?
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The Police Officer - - Being a writer, I kept insisting he repeatedly growled, "Throw the book at her! I also worried there would be telltale evidence around my apartment, so I wore those same white gloves see above with the cleaning business man in case he suddenly suspected me and decided to lift my fingerprints off a wine goblet.
It was at that point that I thought of having a threesome. The police officer could frisk me and triumphantly announce to Merry Maid Guy, "She's clean. The Magician - - This relationship started off bad -- he was the entertainer on a cruise ship and his first trick of the evening was making his wedding ring vanish.
Meanwhile the only thing I ever learned to make disappear was the midnight chocolate buffet. But still he persisted in dating me, sadistically refusing to teach me his secrets, while enjoying my frustration over how the sawed-in-half lady's pedicure always stayed so pretty.
Before the big cocktail party in his home, he asked me to make sure he had a full deck of cards -- so I covered his patio with "Get Well, Happy Birthday," and "Congratulations on Your Retirement" Hallmark greetings. Next I velcroed odd items inside the hem of his costume that would come loose at inopportune moments. Maybe he didn't have anything up his sleeves, but out of his pant legs tumbled out rubber bands, gluesticks and pieces of duct tape.
For his grand finale, he pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Needless to say, at the end of his act as my family and friends clapped half-heartedly he bowed out of our relationship in a puff of smoke. This would be the last coin he pulled from underneath my dress. Barney Rubble - - Before he was married to Betty, I went out with him a few times until his laugh drove me berserk.
Okay, so I was just seeing if you were paying attention my Dear Reader! And also if you believe I'm old enough to have lived in the Stone Age. But I'm not from that generation; it was really his son, Bam-Bam I went steady with.
But when I refused to climb into Bedrock with him, he quite literally broke my heart, pounding on me with that club of his. The Accountant - - This guy put an ad on Match. I dragged my entire series of hardbound Nancy Drew's out of the garage and lined them up alphabetically against a handsome shelf on my living room wall.
When I learned foreplay would consist of balancing my checkbook for hours on end, I knew he and I would never add up to much of a couple. His best pick-up line - - "Don't worry baby, I'll be at your back and call. Now if that isn't a winning combo, I don't know what is.
He thought I was cute when I asked him if "that was a docket in his pocket or he was just happy to see me? Exhibit A was charred beyond recognition, and my kitchen smelled so bad, he had to ask, "May I approach the stench? Both are dry, and very funny.
Like James, Graham looks as if he's won the lottery, and like Olivia, Stef seems in charge. She says she's the one who organises everything and he carries the bags. Stef, now 27, a music teacher from London, and Graham, now 30, a web developer from Bury, met at a burger bar. By the time Stef got there, Graham was already on the gin and tonic. He was terrified, he says. He'd not told anybody that he was going on a blind date.
In his diary, he just wrote, "Out. Jay Brooks for the Guardian What was his greatest fear? If you're rubbish on a normal blind date, you don't normally find out. This might not be as funny as I thought it would. I don't normally go for fair hair.
You look a bit like Jamie Oliver, I say. Was there any physical contact? So there was some physical contact. I reciprocated a bit.
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It was a nice kiss. I thought he was a very nice guy. He did make me laugh, he was very nice, very kind, and helpful in the kitchen — as they say in Bridget Jones.
Just little things he'd do; he helped me make chocolate truffles one day. I ask them what their previous is — did they have successful relationships beforehand? The seconds tick by. He looks worried again.
They were away with Graham's family over Christmas, it was midnight and they were opening their stockings. She thought he was joking.
And I had no makeup on," Stef says. We were going to see a matinee at the National Theatre, and I thought, 'Why not do it there? He decided that when they got to the stage of the Olivier theatrehe would propose.
Eventually, when she let me go, I got the ring out of my pocket. You've got to be joking, Olivia says. They didn't expect to get married full stop — James because his parents' divorce put him off the idea, and Olivia because she'd given up on finding someone.
Now, James says, he thinks there's something beautiful about a public declaration of love. They discuss their plans for the future — the wedding next summer, Blind Date babies to follow hopefully, though they probably won't think of them in those terms.
As for Graham, he says he keeps thinking back to that tiny form they filled in for the blind date. His mouth opens, cartoon-like, in wonder.
She smiles at him. Blind date 19 December Stef described Graham as 'friendly, funny, attractive' when they met in Stef on Graham First impressions? What did you talk about? Music, comedy, food, bad dancing. Only when we were playing pool — neither of us are fabulous players. Impeccable, even though it was burgers. Best thing about him? Really genuine and friendly. Did you go on somewhere? No, but then we didn't leave till 2am. Would you meet again?
I'd really like to, yeah. Graham on Stef First impressions?
Effortlessly beautiful and unforgivably late. Music, cooking and why Abba are the greatest pop band ever. I've never seen a burger crammed into a face with such grace and finesse.
Best thing about her? Anyone who knows the full routine to Saturday Night Fever and is prepared to strut their stuff scores highly with me. Cash machine, bus stop. Yes, it'd be great to do it again.
What they thought back then: Blind date 8 January Olivia and James in Smart, polite, friendly smile. I thought, "Great, I'll be in good company this evening! Early ambitions to work in the arts, old cinemas and pubs, home ownership, Eddie Izzard's theory on cat psychology, analysing Harry Potter; plus sailing stories and how Jaws has traumatised us both for life.
We had a lot in common. We did think it funny that we were so well attended by all the restaurant staff. He is passionate about his interests, and he's hilarious and a gentleman. No, we were having such a good time it was closing time before we knew it. I can't think of anything that would lose him a point.